


Love Lives On

by CasToHerDean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Dean Winchester Dies, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Goodbyes, Heartache, Heartbreaking, M/M, Raped Castiel (Supernatural), Suicidal Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 02:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18512287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasToHerDean/pseuds/CasToHerDean
Summary: Castiel has lived without his beloved Dean for seven months, and decides that he's lived with the pain long enough.





	Love Lives On

**Author's Note:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNING*** Rape, violent death and suicide.

" **You got Dean. Make your voice a mail.** " Eye of the Tiger plays in the background briefly before the tone sounds in Castiel's ear.

Cas curls his legs tighter into a fetal position on the bed he and Dean shared. As he hits the redial button and returns the phone to his ear, he buries his face in Dean's pillow to comfort himself with the familiar scent.

" **Make your voice a mail.** "

Cas reaches up and runs his fingers over the protection amulet that Dean always wore, closing his eyes and letting the tears fall. It had been seven months and yet, to Cas, it still felt like yesterday.

***

_"You deserve so much better than me but I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be that man for you, Cas. Will you marry me?"_

_It was 2 o'clock in the morning and Dean had suggested a walk on the beach. He'd been restless all night and now Cas, his eyes filling with tears and his heart filled with love, knew why. Looking down at the man he'd always loved, seeing the hope and fear mixed in Dean's eyes, Cas threw himself into Dean's arms and they tumbled into the sand._

_"Yes," Cas said as he planted kisses all over Dean's face. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."_

_They were so fully focused on each other in the moment that neither noticed the four men that surrounded them. They were yanked apart and Cas was thrown down into the sand face first, while two of the men stood back holding Dean as he struggled to free himself._

_No words were spoken between the men. As Dean watched in horror, the other two men yanked down Cas' pants and violated him in the worst ways imaginable with anything they could find. A beer bottle, the pointed end of a conch shell and then with a pocket knife. When Cas would cry out, the men would just laugh and kick him in the side._

_"LEAVE HIM ALONE," Dean screamed over and over, fighting with everything he had to shake loose of the grip of the men._

_One of the men rolled Cas over and sat him up to face Dean, as the other man leaned over to Cas and whispered, "It's your turn to watch the show, Rainbow Brite."_

_Dean was prepared to strike so when the men loosened their grip on his arms to turn him around, he lunged forward with a yell toward the man that had just turned away from Cas and wrapped his hands around the man's throat._

_The man's eyes grew wide as Dean applied all the rage he felt into the force of the hold. The men behind him came up and tried to pull him away from their comrade, but Dean wouldn't be moved._

_From his place on the sand, Cas watched the fray struggle and his brain continued to scream at him *GET UP!* but he couldn't budge. When his captor released him to jump into the chaos, Cas fell over sideways and struggled to keep from slipping into unconsciousness. He needed to do something, he needed to help Dean._

_Suddenly, Dean fell to his knees as a boot knife was buried into his stomach and the pain exploded in his sternum. He took a hard punch to the jaw and went over like a sack of potatoes. The knife was yanked out of him and Dean screamed as he was kicked repeatedly on the wound._

_Cas heard Dean's screams and his eyes never left the man he loved as he watched the life drain out of him. Dean's eyes met his and mouthed, 'I love you' as Cas' eyes slowly succumbed to the dark._

***

For seven months, Cas has been living in a Purgatory of his own mind. Guilt-ridden that he hadn't been able to do anything to save Dean, he's mostly been living in a medication-induced haze. His days have been filled with various therapy sessions, both physical and mental, surrounded by calls and visits of well-meaning friends and family checking up on him.

Every night before he attempts sleep, Cas limps out to the little garden they'd planted in the corner of the yard the year before, and where Dean's ashes now rest below the daisies. He recalls his day to Dean, apologizes for not being strong enough to help him that night and tells him that he loves him.

But not this night.

Cas unravels himself from the covers and rolls over to sit on the side of the bed. On his nightstand rests his salvation from misery - a baggie with a carefully researched and selected combination of pills that would allow him to join his love in the afterlife.

He slips the bag into his pocket as he heads to the kitchen for a bottle of water, stepping out into the warm night. He sits indian-style at the edge of the garden and picks at the weeds growing around the edge.

"Dean... I... ," Cas begins. "I miss you. I remember our first kiss like it was just this evening. Soft and slow, I was so scared I would be bad at it. I took those kisses for granted while you were still here. I thought you'd always be here. I wish you were."

"For months I've been asking you to forgive me for letting you die, but I'm hoping you love me enough to forgive what I'm about to do. Living without you hurts, Dean. This hurts so damn much I can't stand it. I know you would want me to live on and find happiness, but you were my happiness."

The tears flow freely down Cas' face now as he pulls the bag out of his pocket, placing it on the grass beside him.

"I'm so sorry, my love, for everything," Cas says as he begins to dig a small, shallow hole above Dean's remains. "I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. I'm sorry that it was our love that led to your end. I'm sorry that it was you and not me, or that it was only you and we didn't go together."

Picking up the clear baggie, Cas opens it and lets the pills slide into his palm. Pushing them around with his thumb, he says, "I'm sorry, Dean Winchester, that I can't be there with you now. I know that you loved me with your dying breath and I know that you love me still. I've loved you since the moment I saw you and I will love you with everything I am, for eternity."

Dropping the pills into the hole and covering them with the earth, Cas continues, "I'm sorry, but I can't be with you yet. I promise you that I will make it worth the wait when the time comes for us to be together again. I promise you that you will forever be my One, and that you were it for me. I promise I will live on and do all the things we planned to do, and I know that you will still be there with me through them all."

"For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. I promise to love, honor and cherish you for the rest of my life."

Cas stands with the water bottle and pours it out into the soil. "I do." As the last drop empties, he begins to sing softly,

_***Love lives on, beyond goodbye. The truth of us will never die. Our spirits will shine long after we're gone. And so, our love lives on.*** _


End file.
